1) Drink lots of water the night before, to hydrate yourself.

2) Before you weigh yourself, empty your bladder and evacuate your bowels.
If you are a man reading this, it means to drain the lizard and drop the kids off at the pool.

3) Take off your rings.

4) Take out your earrings.

5) Remove your hair scrunchie.

6) Brush your teeth and rinse and spit thoroughly.

7) You may need to weigh on another day if you have not, within the last 12 hours: shaved, waxed, hair removal creamed, or tweezed your legs, eyebrows, bikini area, toes, tops of the feet, arms, armpits, happy trail, ass crack, sideburns, chest, back, chin, and mustache. Men, that includes you, too.

8) Remove body jewelry from wherever it has been pierced or clamped.

9) Clip your toenails and fingernails.

10) Cut back your cuticles.

11) Remove your necklaces.

12) Remove your bracelets.

13) Make sure hair is fully dry. No product of any kind. If you have naturally oily hair, discount 6 oz to account for oil weight.

14) Remove ankle bracelets.

15) Take off toe rings.

16) Blow your nose.

17) Exhale fully.

18) You are now ready to step on the scale.

19) Once you have determined that the numbers have stopped climbing, slowly step off the scale.

20) Inhale.

21) If you must curse, do it silently and in another room. Scales do not appreciate that kind of language.