I did two workouts in the middle of the night. Kathy Ireland Workout, for 44 mins, and Buns of Steel for 45 mins. I hate, hate, hate the minutes before the workout. It's such a great idea, I am like, "Oh, I will workout right after I watch this TV show." The tv show ends, and I am left feeling like someone just got into a car accident. "Oh crap, I actually have to do it now." It was a great idea, but a shitty feeling to have to start it.

Once I got warmed up, so many thoughts raced through my head as I did the video.

1) I hate working out. For the first fifteen minutes, anyway. After that, it's just an annoyance to have to be doing it and not look anything like the beautiful, toned, slim women on it.

2) I wish I could blog as I am doing the video. Chronicle everything right then, so I don't lose it. I want to be open and honest, and not gloss over stuff to appear in control. I am not in control, and there's no denying that. Might as well write about it, and maybe make a connection with someone else going through the same thing.

3) It feels like a wood stake is going into the muscles, and I want to give up. I know the abs/arms workout I did with Mower worked, because I have been sore in my tummy. I know that me doing abs again tonight was working, because I could feel the burning. It's a good feeling to know I am getting the muscles working, especially because it's the right muscles I should be feeling it in, but it still doesn't feel powerful yet to feel that burn.

4) I hate myself for getting so large and out of shape. I hate myself for setting a horrible example of health for my kids. I hate that I ate potato chips and onion dip right before working out. I hate that I used so many excuses to not workout last year after having the baby. I hate that I didn't keep myself in shape from my late teens and that I have to work overtime now to do it. I hate that I am inconsistent. I hate that I forgot to put on deodorant and I can smell my underarms.

5) I forgive myself for all of the above. Except the deodorant. That's not something I should be forgetting.

6) I realize that if I am to be successful at this, or anything else, I can't run from it. I have to face it, accept it is something I need to focus on, and work on it without stressing about the past.

7) I needed to vacuum before working out. I have potato chip crumbles in my hair.

8) I feel like I am going to throw up when I complete the first video. I want to stop, but I put in Buns of Steel after a water break.

9) I dislike some of the things the guy (circa 1987, by the way--hot legwarmers, yum) does to warm up. They don't feel good, and I am not trying to get an arm workout. I wonder if the people behind him have stayed in shape, or if they got fat. I wonder if the fat lady behind him got skinny. I think one guy is wearing a sleeveless shirt, when I realize that it's a low-cut tank top with a massively hairy chest that resembled a shirt to his neck. Ew.

10) The exercises in Buns work my muscles, but I am not dying like I thought I would be. There's still that wood stake pain, though, but in the right area, so I know it is in fact, working. Out of date, horrible outfits, and cheesy direction, but it works. Thank God I have a mute button and a CD player. Keane helped me so much during the workouts.

I want to make a goal for the month of February, that I will work out for an hour and a half, at least, every day from now. I hope that this feeling of being able to tackle this and not get caught up in the emotions of my regrets lasts, and I do get up and do it. Even if it's at 4 am again.