I am so concerned for my dad and so annoyed by my mother. I found out last night that last week, my father gave me his gun in a briefcase. I had no clue that a gun was in there, so I just put it down in our office, which only has a child-deterrent doorknob cover on it. Luckily, the kids stayed out of the office and the briefcase was locked. He gave it to me so that he wouldn’t use it on himself since he was so miserable with all this crap going on in his body. He kept mentioning how bad he felt on Monday, like he was reliving an accident over and over, trying to make sense of it.

My mother, of course, has managed to make everything about her. The chair in Dad’s room is "horrible" for her back, she can barely sit there. Hummmm, try sitting in a hospital bed with a catheter up your fun stick. She told me last night how to find Dad’s room (side note--I did not go last night, since he was in pain and wanted medicine that would knock him out and it was late when I got into town…I didn"t want to disturb his rest, even though I desperately wanted to see him….I wanted his needs to come before mine, unlike my mother), and the way she was talking to me reminded me of how you would speak to a child with a very low IQ. I had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling at her that I have been in hospitals before, I know nurses work in 12-hour shifts and that the night nurse might not be the nurse I speak with the next day. Gee, the nurses aren't there the whole time you are? Wow, in 30 years with two c-sections and jaw surgeries, I never fucking knew that! And you mean I have to walk down a hallway and press the button for the elevator? Holy shit! The things I "might not know, that's all" that she felt she needed to explain in detail are just enormous. I'm surprised she trusted me to use the restroom on my own without explaining to me the proper nursing technique her "Big Sister" taught her ten years and twelve personalities ago.

They are stabilizing my dad, trying to reduce his fever and get him to a place where he can withstand surgery. This surgery was planned a while ago, but had to be put off due to his heart medication after his heart attack and surgery last August. My poor dad—he has had liver problems, developed glaucoma and diabetes, an enlarged prostate and blocked bladder as a result, which makes him get up about 8 times a night to use the restroom, and has heart disease and had a heart attack. During all this, which has just been the last four years, he still trains for marathons and takes care of us and my mother. Anyway, now the prostate surgery needs to be done, because something is blocking his urinary system to make his kidneys fail. It's part elective and part exploratory surgery, and we aren't sure when it will be. I will be here waiting and visiting twice daily, hoping he gets stabilized and feels better soon.