I know exactly how we can win the war on terror. It's very simple and would eliminate quite a bit of environmental waste from our country.

Diapers. Dirty diapers.

Handsome let out one of the shits of the Apocalypse this morning. It sprayed down his legs when he got onto a toy. Luckily, I had just changed him into a clean, fresh diaper, which of course, had the shit-producing enzymes included in high quantities, much more than when worn for a while and diluted by urine. The smell was enough to induce dry heaves. The color and consistancy of the poop was reminiscent of oatmeal, coated in beige paint.

Imagine thousands upon thousands of these diapers, stacked at the entrances of caves, being shot out of tanks and planes, out of high-powered machine guns, missiles filled with them, racing towards the enemy, ready to explode and shower them with noxious fumes and a horrendous spray of crap, coating their eyes and ears, clogging their guns, choking off their air supply.

I volunteer the first shipment. I can have them ready in the morning, on my front porch, marked with the words, Made in the USA. Biological weapons.