Did you miss me? I took a few days to myself, not doing dishes, not cleaning the toilets, not moving those bodies that are piling up in our basement. Just kidding, we don't have a basement. They're in the laundry hamper. It's the last place Mower would ever look for something.

I did think of you. I thought of you in front of your computer, anxiously awaiting my satirical wit and getting frantic as you don't have new entries to read. How can she not BLOG? What is the world coming to? Well, the world, as I see it, is coming to this: Snart. Waart. Squart. Huh?

I have compiled a list of actions or instances in which it's just going to be easier for you to explain the expelling of gas you just completed. It's never your fault--it's because of an action! An involuntary bodily function caused by something you cannot always control, happening in very rapid succession, almost seamlessly, melded together into one short word to keep you from having to detail the fart more than you really want to. Ready? Put down the Starbucks Grande Latte and get the muzzle ready so your boss doesn't hear your immature giggles everytime you read the word fart.

Snart: Sneeze and fart.

Slart: Sleep and fart. For example, when you fall asleep in school and jolt awake at the sound of you farting.

Lart: Laugh and fart, adult version.

Gart: Giggle and fart, kid version.

Part: Pee and fart, happens when you laugh too hard with a full bladder.

Jart: Jump and fart. Many track and field athletes use this manuever to gain momentum and paralyze their competitors.

Sart: Sex and fart. Several varities--vsart (vaginal sex and anal fart), vvsart (vaginal sex and vaginal fart), asart (anal sex and anal fart), avsart (anal sex and vaginal fart), etc...

Cart: Cough and fart.

Tart: Tucking in your tummy when someone hot walks by and farting from the pressure.

Bart: Bend and fart.

Waart: Walk and fart.

Blart: Blame and fart. Simultaneously fart and blame the dog or the baby.

Smart: Smile and fart. Not so much the action of smiling makes you fart, just the action of smiling as you fart in the grocery store aisle to make someone think it wasn't you.

Mart: Move furniture and fart.

Dart: Drive and fart. Happens when you have a near-collision.

Wvart: Wedding vow and fart. Nervousness causes this. Indicates one or the other is about to pass out before saying, "I do."

Shart: Shit and fart. Happens when you think it's just a fart and you poop a little at the same time, in your clothing.

Squart: Squeeze and fart. Happens when someone gives you a bear hug.

Heart: Heave and fart. Commonly experienced by binge drinkers and pregnant women. Related: Peave, Pee and Heave.

Kart: KFC fart. Not for the faint of heart.

Rart: 'Roids and fart. Your hemorrhoids play peek-a-boo when you fart.

Buart: Burp and fart. SuperBowl Sunday is a particuarly busy day for these.

Zart: Zipper up and fart. Happens when you try to squeeze into a small pair of jeans to get that extra inch of zipper up.