Occassionally I am reminded of what a heathen I was growing up and I say a quick prayer that Bubba and Handsome did not get those genes. Some examples of what I hope they do NOT do:

Put a non-lubricated condom on the doorknob of a math classroom taught by a self-righteous bitch who announced to the class that she would not play favorites with a geometry project and if the ball was oblong, the best you could get was an 85% but then played favorites blatantly and gave a 90% to a girl she always drooled over, a preppy cheerleader who made hers oblong. I was in the hallway for calling the teacher a PMS'ing bitch over her defensive position to kiss the ass of the cheerleader she gave the class. She got back at me by failing me by one point. I hope that they do something more effective in a situation like that, like glue kissy lips in construction paper to the cheerleader's ass with the teacher's name on them.

Went into a side office off a vocational classroom and pretended to be having quick, very vocal sex with a male friend, while a classroom full of students listened to us instead of the bemused teacher. We came out buttoning our clothes back up with our hair messed up, to the snickers of the students. I would hope that my kids take it one step further and do something like that over the loudspeaker.

As a senior, bet a teacher her paycheck that I would attend a pep rally, or "Prep rally" as I called them,for the first time in the four years of high school. She never paid me. I hope my kids will get a bet like that in writing or with credible witnesses.

Stole the Saturday class slips from certain kids' files while working as an office assistant so they didn't have to go. I did it for popularity points, but I should have done it for money. I hope my kids have more of an entrepreneurial spirit and pay for college with their unethical behavior.

Went into the boy's bathroom on the third floor to smoke a cigarette with a bunch of guys. I seriously hope that my kid's will do that in the girl's bathroom--they are generally cleaner. That didn't seem to matter at the time, to either us or the tolerant gym teacher who allowed us to file out quickly instead of busting us. But if you're going to poison your lungs, kids, at least do it in the most sanitary manner possible.

Spent many minutes tracing my mother's signature from those sheets that you always have to have your parents sign in the beginning of the school year. I'd take a pad of her notepaper and trace her signature, then try to fill in the indentions on the notepaper with a felt-tip pen to forge excuse notes for my many, many absences. Right after I graduated, I told my mom I had done that and she told me that when she was in high school, she just started signing her mom's name from the start, so there never was a difference on the notes and signature on record. I felt horrible that my mom was one step ahead of me in the forging game, seeing as how I thought my mom was incapable of being cool in any way. I have no hopes for my kids to have a better forging system. However they do it will suffice.

Ran up the phone bill to over $2000 calling my first boyfriend long-distance between freshman and sophmore year. I thought I had a stolen phone card number that would eliminate the charges from our bill, and lied to my mom that a friend had unlimited long-distance and he called three-way and left the phone so first boyfriend and I could talk. When the bill came in, I could see my father aging right before my eyes. I hope that if my kids have a long-distance relationship, that they really do steal phone cards to make the calls.

Put my brother's shoes in the toilet after he left the stinky, nasty things in the middle of the gameroom floor yet again, where I wanted to work out on a clean floor. I hope my kids put their sibling's shoes in the closet and just go short-sheet their bed instead. Because when your upset older brother throws the toilet water-soaked shoes at you, they kinda hurt.

Yes, kids, if you are going to misbehave, at least one-up me, or come up with your own creative ways to find yourself in many months' worth of Saturday classes and detention and alternative center. There you will have enough time to think up other ways to make me completely grey, if you haven't already done that before becoming a teenager with your incessant farting, your habit of drinking bath water, and your perchant for dirty diapers that make a toxic waste dump look like a flower garden.