Dear LJ,

Thank you so much for reminding me how much I hate having dogs loose in the house. The enormous, runny dump you dropped so eloquently onto the most expensive rug in the house was just the perfect expression of love. Mower brought out the rug rolled up to put into the trash can, alerting me to the fact that our house was now a house of horrible odors with different scents and mixtures of aromas awaiting us in every room.

Thank you for saving it for the kitchen, where we prepare food for our beloved children, instead of soiling your bed. China and Fuzzy must have laugehd at you for being so worried about your bed--China would, and has, gladly peed all over many a bed, and Fuzzy humps the virginity out of anything that resembles something China would pee on. They don't have beds now, for those reasons.

Thank you for not doing this nasty mess in the master bathroom where you left the last one. It was so much nicer to mop a much larger area that could not have the doors closed and a candle burning to neutralize the fermented death smell. I sincerely appreciate the way you ruined a perfectly good evening and my appetite. It was also particularly lovely of you to upset Honey and her normal routine. She so adored having her nostrils inflamed with such deformed air that she cried for several hours.

I owe you one, dog.