To all interested parties:

It is near impossible to hold in a fart while working out on an elliptical machine. Those on the treadmills behind me as I do such a workout, be warned--you might be better off walking around the parking lot than trotting back there. I cannot be held responsible for the inability to squeeze my cheeks together as I am on an incline with resistance. Not that I take responsibility otherwise--that's why I have kids or walk the dogs--but I really can't take responsibility on the elliptical.

Carry on.