I am now the proud popper of four pills daily: 30 mg of Cymbalta to help with my overall moods, a prenatal pill combo to boost up my vitamin and minerals because I will be completely honest and say that I suck at eating well and getting my vitamins from food, and 30 mg of Phentermine, which helps control my appetite and gives me an energy boost. My sister-in-law dubbed it The Cleaning Pill, and I have to agree with her wholeheartedly. Once it kicks in, I start doing stuff like organizing the glassware by ounces, glass thickness and how likely I am to break them at any given moment of my normal clumsy day.

The Cymbalta is making me sleepy,nauseous and jittery, so I have been taking it before bedtime with the prenatal (no I am not pregnant, but since there is nothing permanent in place to prevent us from getting pregnant, better to take it and build up my stores of vitamins and minerals as much as possible for the possibility of a fourth kid in the future). The Cleaning Pill I have been taking in the morning. In the evening, my brain shuts down somewhere around 6 pm and I am begging the kids to go to sleep.

I am at the point in my life where I don't even wish that I didn't have to be on medicine to control my serotonin or hunger levels or emotional eating or energy. I am just grateful that the evil pharmacutical companies played with these drugs and found some that work. I tried Zoloft a few months ago while I was still breastfeeding and was unsure of how much longer Snookums was going to keep going. Instead of giving me a boost from my level of non-caring, it gave me a case of the I really don't give a crap and just want to sleep, eat and watch Desperate Housewives on TiVo. Doc and I decided that I was better off at a lower functioning level than no functioning level, and off the Zoloft I went.

After my horrible error that resulted in China dying, I have been going downhill and not enjoying anything. I owed it to my family to get back on something, because regardless of how much I feel I need to pay for my error, my kids need a mom who can laugh with them. So Cymbalta seems to be doing the trick after just a week on it, side effects aside. I need the Cleaning Pill for some energy, but am putting it to good use getting things organized and trying to pay attention to the kids more, be on the computer less, watch tv less. Snookums is asleep right now, Mower's at work, and the other kids are with my dad watching yet another kid's movie of which I have no intention of allowing the DVD to come into my house. Something with gophers or gerbils or something. I'll pass and keep watching Cars for the 247th time.

So in the drug-filled world of Peej , things are not up or down, just there. But I'm grateful to just be here, and hope they keep making the wonder drugs until I can start producing the serotonin and energy myself as the weight melts off. If you are local in my area, watch out--it literally is melting off through sweating and I'm sure I leave a snail trail behind me as I slog through the humidity to the store or guitar lessons.